Fear... Anxiety.. Guilt... They are all 1 BIG package

I have come to the realization that at times fear, anxiety and guilt are all one great big package.  Last night I was sitting in the “famous” chair.  You know the chair you sit in to get the gray hair covered up, the chair where for some reason you feel compelled to talk about any and everything….  Yes that chair.  It just happened to be the chair of one my best friend’s daughters.  A young woman I have had the privilege to watch grow up into an amazing adult.   

As the evening moved along and we talked about everything you could imagine.  I remember looking up at her with tears in my eyes and telling her my struggle was the guilt I felt from my past.  Yes I have shared parts of my testimony and story both via speaking and in publication.  My kids have read it and have heard it.   But as I sat there, I just looked at Shelby and told her the guilt of my past choices, notice I say choices.  I made those choices, and no one made them for me. The guilt I struggle with from those choses at a young age to turn to drugs and alcohol to cover up my fears and anxiety.  The pressures life was constantly throwing my way.  I made those choices.  And now that I have made those choices, those selfish choices, I have found myself overwhelmed with guilt.  Guilt that is encompassed by fear and anxiety. 

Because now as I am approaching 40, I find myself questioning those choices, and constantly asking myself if I would not have done that, would I be in this place with my health?  If I wouldn’t have been selfish, would I be in this moment?

Up until very recently I would find myself constantly replaying my late teens and 20’s.  Justifying my actions.  Telling myself I have to hold onto this, I can’t let anyone ever know how far out of control it ever was.  Even though, those closest to me already knew something wasn’t right.

I found that if it was not work related I was starting to isolate myself from others.  Instead of facing life head on, I was starting to hide in its shadows.  All because of the guilt and shame that I was allowing to control my life.  Over choices I made years ago. 

The devil likes to play with our emotions.  He’s reminding you of what you did in college. He tells you how you messed up your first marriage. The Evil One – our accuser – has hijacked your conscience, and you’re desperate to know if he can be silenced.

So we ask, how do let go of the guilt?  How do we rid this from our lives? People try to work it off, serve it off, give it off, and even pray it off. But no amount of good deeds, community service, charitable giving, or Sundays in a pew can relieve the guilt. It’s a debt. And it must be paid or canceled for a guilty heart to experience relief.

 How do you get your guilt canceled? The answer comes in one of the first Bible verses I memorized as an adult: 1 John 1:9. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (KJV).

We have to make a choice to move forward.  To not live in the past.  I think Shelby summed it up best last night when she said “think of the lives your story has already touched, through speaking and through the magazine.  Lives that you have no idea have been touched.”   I have the greatest blessing every day.  I still get to be a mom to two amazing young men.  I get to get out of bed and go to work.  I am able to walk, talk, see and hear.  Something so many cannot do.  So the next time you are feeling down.  You are feeling overwhelmed with life and fear, anxiety and guilt are over shadowing your world.  Step back and ask yourself what do I have to be thankful for?  What do I have to get up for everyday?  Stop looking at the glass half empty and look at not just half full but overflowing.  Pull your big girl pants up, wipe away the tears, take a moment to talk to God and embrace the moment.  Don’t allow your past to determine your future or to define you at that.  Make the choice to be stronger than your yesterday, better than your past and come out swinging and fighting for your life!  

Much Love - Julie