Time is More Valuable Than Money

Recently I was asked the million dollar question….  Why did you stop blogging??? The answer to that question is not a simple one…  

Life often is crazy, chaotic and the list goes on.  

The last few years have been full of failures, defeat, loss, victories, love and lost love, death, change and again, the list goes on.  

I found myself many times over the last few years at the bottom, rock bottom.  I began questioning everything. Asking God why? If I had a dollar for every altar call I answered or everytime I fell to my knees at the altar begging God to help me.  To take away the hurt. To make me how “society” says I should be. I would be rich…. Or would I? What does it mean to really be rich?  

I used to think it was a “money” thing.  

The more possessions I had the happier I would be. 

I mean come on, money does buy happiness right?  

Just when I thought I couldn't hit bottom anymore….  Bam…. Life as I knew it… Gone, changed in the blink of an eye.  One day I am on a cruise ship with my mom…. Listening to her stories of all the cruises she had taken over the years.  Both of us knowing this was her final cruise. Trying to make the most of each second of each day.  

I never imagined it would happen so fast.  I never thought it would really happen. Our mom was indestructible.  She was a fighter. She was only 63...

My sisters and I each have our own memories, our own way that we have dealt with the pain of losing our mother.  For me…. I have realized I have yet to truly deal. Truly grieve. I have so much anger and I mean pure anger in my heart.  I am mad. I am mad that she isn't here for me to call on my way home from work. I am mad that she will miss Dakotas graduation this year.  I am mad she is missing out on the little moments that I use to take for granted. I am mad that I use to get aggravated every time she would call and need me to drive 45 minutes to fix her computer.  Because I would give anything for one more phone call.  

Even though the doctors and my sisters have told me that I did the best I could.  That I didn't fail our mother but the medical system failed her. I am still haunted with how her final days played out.  2 weeks before she died I had our mother admitted to the hospital to help deal with her depression from our dad leaving. That admission would ultimately lead to our mothers death.  24 hours after she was discharged our mother was in the ICU. I am sitting with our moms brother and the doctor as we talk to my oldest sister on speaker phone. Telling your sister who is in the medical field that she needs to get her because our mother might not make it through the night.  

That was the hardest phone call I have ever made.  

 I checked our mom in the hospital for help…  Help she did need. I spent the night with her the last night she slept in her house.  Over and over again I replay her final days. Over and over I ask myself why… 

Her final days seem like they lingered on for eternity.  My sisters, aunts, uncles and a few close friends made the ICU waiting room our temporary home.  Taking shifts. Not one of us wanting to leave her side.  

The day before she died I made the second hardest phone call.  

To the boys school.  

Their grandma asked to see her boys.  Granted I am forever grateful for the HS administration team.  It killed me to make that call. They had to tell my boys they needed to drive to Joplin to say goodbye to their grandma.  

We will never truly know the why behind all the pain.  

Each day I am learning how to live again.  

Trying to figure out the new normal.  

I know our mom is watching down with a smile.  

See  this last year all three of us girls were originally supposed to take that last cruise together with our mom.  Unfortunately due to life changes that trip never happened…  

But it makes my heart smile and I know our mom is jumping up and down with joy knowing that the three of us girls will be taking our first cruise together.  We are going to her favorite beach. Instead of being here and being sad we have decided to celebrate our mother in a way that fits her. On the ship. On the ocean.  On the beach. Her happy place. On the anniversary of her death. We are choosing to celebrate her life instead of mourning her death.  

As for me….  I have learned the hard way that happiness does not come from money and working 3 jobs.  Happiness is having your family and friends who have become family by your side. Through the good times and the bad.  Happiness is enjoying the simple things in life. It is not taking for granted one second of one day. Money cannot and will never be able to buy happiness.  

As for the rich part…  How we live. How we love.  How we treat others. How we forgive.  Enjoying the little moments. Making memories.  Laughing when you want to cry. Going on random road trips with friends.  These are the things that make you rich.  

Finding your people.  You know, the ones who love you for you!  The ones who look at you as a person. A human.  They dont judge. They love. They love you! These are things that will make you rich.  Don't waste your life trying to fill empty voids. Don't allow anger and hate to fill your days.   

I will leave you with a few of my favorite quotes….  

And mom…  I love you to the moon and back!!!  And I will always be your baby girl!!!  

-Me

“Before you speak, listen. Before you write, think. Before you spend, earn. Before you invest, investigate. Before you criticize, wait. Before you pray, forgive. Before you quit, try. Before you retire, save. Before you die, give.”

William A. Ward

“Time is more valuable than money. You can get more money, but you cannot get more time.”

Jim Rohn